What does forgiveness look like?

When I inquire about forgiveness I have heard many different definitions. Some say that forgiveness is letting go of something and accepting it. I have also heard that forgiveness is an emotion that feels like understanding a tragic or unforgettable moment in such a way that the moment transforms into a lighter space. There is one definition, or reference, of forgiveness, however, that I tend to refer to most often when it comes up in coaching sessions or conversations with loved ones: 

“As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison” -Nelson Mandela said these words after being wrongfully imprisoned for 27 years. Despite the reasons for him to be angry, he made the decision to release those feelings of anger, pain, injustice, hate, and bitterness. Instead, he reminded us that “forgiveness liberates the soul.”

When you hear those words, what do they speak to you? What do they mean? What does he mean when he suggests that forgiveness is a key to freeing ourselves from prison? 

Imagine this. Imagine you are angry. You have been wronged. Someone in your life took something from you and it wasn’t there’s to take in the first place. Maybe they took your love for granted; they broke your trust. You carry this anger everyday; everywhere you go in fact. When you talk to others, express yourself, handle your emotions, you keep this anger at the forefront of your mind. 

You will not be taken advantage of again. 

New relationships take a turn for the worse, old ones fall apart. That bitterness that you have held onto is now released through your words and actions. It was never your intention to push people away. In fact, you really felt that you needed them. You still need them. They were important to you.

Now, you feel so alone. You feel so hurt. You feel...broken.  

If this is you, if this was you, that is okay. I was there too, once or thrice before. I have been wronged. 

The difference between you then and you now, is that you are becoming aware that your ‘victim’ attitude is wearing off. It is getting in the way of your opportunities to establish relationships that are built on foundations of trust, love, and genuine reciprocity. You are becoming aware that you have created a brick wall between yourself and the world unintentionally, and now it is time to tear it down.

Forgiveness is not an easy process. It is not something that you wake up and say, “today I forgive all that have hurt me, taken from me, and injured me.” But it is something that you can work towards. 

Below I have offered some of the tried, true, and tested practices that you can start today to begin to lead your life in a more positive direction, so that when you do launch into new relationships or are ready to reconcile old ones, you step into them aware of those patterns. It is not everyone’s fault you were wronged, and it is not yours either. It is what you DO with that experience that makes a difference.

1. The first thing I encourage others to do is to acknowledge the hurt. Identify the source, or sources of anger and pain. It is good to journal these thoughts. When we write them down, we are, essentially, beginning to put them away.
2. Once you have identified and acknowledged the source of pain, we have to then recognize how that pain has affected our daily lives. It is important to breathe awareness into ourselves. What patterns or unintentional behaviors have we adopted as a result of the trauma? As suggested above, perhaps you are pushing people away to prevent being taken advantage of. Other ways we may respond negatively to hurt is carrying those emotions with us, keeping that memory alive by talking about it all of the time, regularly reminding ourselves that we have been hurt, or expressing our feelings as anger or resentment towards the world.
3. Being aware of how those moments of pain have impacted our lives is HUGE. We also need to identify how our OWN actions have contributed to the pain of others; you know, those people we shut off because we didn’t want them to hurt us? Well, we have to repair those relationships, just as we have to repair ourselves from the original source.
4. We have acknowledged, recognized, and now we are ready to accept. It is a memory, one moment in time, that you were hurt. But that time is gone. IN THE PAST. You are no longer living within that moment. Did it hurt? Yes. Was it okay? Absolutely not. It is never okay to cause pain to others. By accepting it, you are symbolically ‘putting it away.’ 
5. In our final step, we reconnect with Spirit, with God, or with Divine. We are not alone in the process, in fact, we never were. When it happened it was not your fault. Pain is part of the game of life. We learned something from that experience, but it should never have been, “build a wall, shut others out, and keep them away so they don’t hurt you too.” When you forgive, you are doing it for yourself, not for the person that hurt you.

Before you go today, let’s affirm together that by forgiving those who have wronged you, you are choosing to live a life of joy, peace, and freedom. 
-I choose to release any resentment.
-I choose to leave my pain behind, at that moment, because I am not living it anymore. 
-I choose forgiveness.

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